Hookups, dating or a relationship? Getting clear on what you actually want

“So, what are you looking for?” It’s one of the most common questions in gay dating, and one of the hardest to answer honestly. Some men say “a relationship” because it sounds right. Others say “just fun” because it feels safer. Many aren’t sure at all.

Getting clear on what you want isn’t about picking the “right” answer. Hookups, casual dating, open relationships, and monogamous partnerships can all be healthy. What matters is that your choices fit your values, that you communicate them honestly, and that they leave you feeling good about your life. This post offers a judgment-free way to sort it out.

No judgment, really

Gay men often face judgment from every direction. Some people treat hookup culture as shameful. Others treat wanting a traditional relationship as old-fashioned. Family, faith, friends, and social media can all add opinions.

Here’s our view. Your sex life and relationship choices are yours. Healthy looks different for different people. The questions we care about are more practical. Are you safe? Are you honest with yourself and others? Do your choices support your well-being, or are they working against it?

Start by noticing how things feel

One of the best sources of information is how your experiences actually feel. Think about your recent hookups, dates, or relationships. How did you feel the next day? Energized, connected, content? Or empty, anxious, or lonely?

There’s no wrong answer. Some men feel great after casual sex. Others notice that hookups leave them feeling more alone. Some love the slow build of dating. Others find it stressful. Paying attention helps you move from what you think you should want toward what actually works for you.

It can help to jot down a few notes after encounters for a few weeks. Patterns often appear quickly.

Wants versus needs versus fears

Sometimes what we say we want is really a fear in disguise. “I only want hookups” might mean “I’m scared of getting hurt again.” “I need a boyfriend right now” might mean “I can’t stand being alone with myself.”

Neither is wrong, but it’s worth asking. What would I want if I weren’t afraid? What need is this choice meeting? Connection? Validation? Pleasure? Rest? Sometimes the answer reveals other ways to meet a need, like deeper friendships, therapy, or more time for yourself.

Using values as your compass

In acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT), we often help people identify their values. Values are qualities you want to bring to your life, like honesty, playfulness, adventure, commitment, kindness, or growth. Unlike goals, values aren’t something you finish. They guide you.

Try asking yourself a few questions. What kind of partner or lover do I want to be? What do I want my relationships to stand for? When I’m eighty, what will I be glad I prioritized?

Your values can point toward different choices at different times. Someone who values adventure might enjoy exploring casual connections for a while. Someone who values building something steady might focus on dating with relationship potential. The same person might value both, in different seasons.

Saying what you want on your profile

Clear profiles save everyone time and heartache. If you’re looking for a relationship, it’s okay to say so. If you’re open to dating and seeing where it goes, say that. If you’re only looking for hookups right now, be honest about it.

You don’t need a long explanation. A short, friendly line is enough. Something like “Looking for something real, starting with coffee” or “Here for fun and good conversation” sets expectations. Being clear also attracts people who want the same thing.

For tips on using apps in a healthier way, see our post on dating app burnout.

Saying what you want in person

Having the conversation face to face can feel scarier. Many gay men avoid it to keep things easy, then end up in confusing situationships where neither person knows where they stand.

Try being direct early and lightly. “I’m dating with the hope of finding a relationship. What about you?” is a reasonable thing to ask on a first or second date. You can also check in as things develop. “I’m really enjoying this. Are we seeing other people?” These questions can feel vulnerable, but they protect your time and your heart. If anxiety makes this hard, our guide to dating with anxiety may help.

Listen closely to the answer. If someone tells you he doesn’t want a relationship, believe him. Hoping someone will change usually leads to pain.

When what you want changes

Wants shift over time, and that’s normal. You might start a casual connection and develop feelings. You might be in a relationship and realize you want something different. You might come out of a breakup wanting nothing but freedom, then find yourself craving closeness a few months later.

When your wants change, it’s kind to say so. “When we started, I wanted something casual. I think I’m catching feelings, and I wanted to be honest about that.” The other person may or may not feel the same, but honesty gives both of you a chance to choose well.

A word on open relationships

Some gay couples choose open or non-monogamous relationships, and many do so happily. What tends to help is clear agreements, regular check-ins, honesty, and attention to jealousy or insecurity when it comes up. Open relationships work best when both partners truly want them, not when one person agrees to avoid losing the other.

If you’re considering it, talk openly about expectations, safer sex practices, and what would help each of you feel secure. And remember that monogamy is equally valid. The best structure is the one that fits both partners.

When you and a partner want different things

Sometimes you meet someone wonderful who wants something different. Maybe you want a relationship and he wants to keep it casual. Maybe he’s ready to move in and you’re not sure. These moments are painful, and there isn’t always a fix.

It helps to talk about it openly rather than hoping it will resolve itself. Ask what each of you needs and whether there’s real room to meet in the middle. Sometimes there is. Sometimes the kindest choice is to step back, even when there’s genuine care on both sides.

Ending something because your goals don’t match isn’t a failure. It’s a way of respecting both of your needs. If it hurts, let yourself grieve. Our post on healing after a gay breakup may help.

Taking care of yourself along the way

Whatever you choose, a few basics support your well-being. Make sexual health care a routine part of life, including regular testing and conversations about PrEP if that’s relevant to you. Practice clear consent. Notice if alcohol or substances are becoming central to your sex life. Keep friendships and interests outside of dating. And if you notice that hookups, apps, or relationship drama are taking over your life or hurting your mood, that’s worth paying attention to.

A gentle next step

Wellthy Psychiatry offers LGBTQ+ affirming psychiatric care and therapy by telehealth across California. A free 15-minute phone consult is an easy way to see if we’re a good fit.

This article is for general education and isn’t medical advice. If you’re in crisis, call or text 988, the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, or call 911.