Fighting fair: communication skills for couples
Simple tools for turning arguments into conversations, from an affirming psychiatric nurse practitioner.
Earl Johns, MSN, PMHNP-BC
Board-certified psychiatric nurse practitioner and founder of Wellthy Psychiatry & Wellness
✓ Medically reviewed by Earl Johns, MSN, PMHNP-BC
Every couple argues. What matters is how. A few practical skills can keep disagreements from turning into hurt that lingers for days.
Start softly
How a conversation begins often predicts how it ends. Try “I feel… about… and I need…” instead of “You always…” or “You never…”
Take a break when you’re flooded
When your heart is racing, it’s hard to listen. Agree on a signal to pause for 20 to 30 minutes, then come back. The break is a pause, not a way to avoid the topic.
Listen to understand
Reflect back what you heard before responding. “It sounds like you felt left out when I made plans without you.” Feeling understood lowers defenses on both sides.
Repair after conflict
A sincere apology, a touch or a little humor can help you reconnect. Repair matters more than getting everything right. If fights keep escalating or feel unsafe, reach out for support.
A gentle next step
A free 15-minute phone consult is an easy way to see if Wellthy Psychiatry feels like the right fit for you.
This article is for general education and isn’t medical advice. If you’re in crisis, call or text 988, the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, or call 911.
About the author
Earl Johns, MSN, PMHNP-BC
Board-certified psychiatric nurse practitioner · UCSF-trained · Founder of Wellthy Psychiatry & Wellness
Earl provides LGBTQ+ and neurodivergent-affirming psychiatric care, blending medication management, therapy and whole-person approaches. He sees clients in San Francisco and by telehealth across California.
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