Compulsive sexual behavior: a shame-free guide for gay and queer men

Talking about sex can feel vulnerable, especially if you’re worried about being judged. This guide is meant to be the opposite of judgment.

What it is

Compulsive sexual behavior disorder is recognized by the World Health Organization in the ICD-11. It describes a long-term pattern of being unable to control intense sexual urges or behaviors, despite negative consequences and repeated attempts to cut back.

What it isn’t

A high sex drive, enjoying porn, hooking up, being in an open relationship or having a queer sex life is not a disorder. Distress that comes only from moral or religious disapproval doesn’t meet the definition either.

Signs it may be time to get support

• You’ve tried to cut back and it hasn’t stuck

• Sex or porn has become your main way to cope with stress or loneliness

• You’re spending more time or money than you intended

• It’s straining your relationships, work or health

• You feel shame or secrecy afterward

What often sits underneath

Sexual behavior can become a way to cope with anxiety, loneliness, minority stress, shame or past trauma. For some people it’s connected to substance use, including chemsex. ADHD and depression can play a role too.

How affirming care helps

We focus on what the behavior is doing for you and help you build other ways to meet those needs, using approaches like CBT and ACT, plus medication for co-occurring conditions when appropriate. The goal isn’t to change who you are or who you love. It’s to help you feel in control of your life.